Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
finally found a reasonable question
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.