Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.