If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time