HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!