It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
You Might Also Like
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed