If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The government even made aliens boring