Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.