[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states