(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
you stereotypes are all alike
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.