date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Saturday
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room