Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.