Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.