I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You Might Also Like
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
This could be us but you eatin’
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
How wrong was this guy?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.