[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.