When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
same bro
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?