“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now