[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.