It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.