crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Breaking news:
How can I say no to this ?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.