why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.