Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
You Might Also Like
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.