*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
That eye roll….
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you