Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m giving up ice.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.