If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.