My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?