Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we鈥檒l talk
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: it鈥檚 too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I鈥檓 afraid adulthood is permanent
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don鈥檛 rush me
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Them: You鈥檙e hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it鈥檚 a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn鈥檛 know it was plastic.
You know your kid is Canadian when she鈥檚 watching football and asks why no one is skating