Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.