Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know