What about a To-Don’t List?
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?