ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.