Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*