*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*frowns in Scottish*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.