“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Every. Damn. Time.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.