I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You Might Also Like
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.