Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Some people were born into their job.