my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
You Might Also Like
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.