Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
This dude got his own movie?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Meow
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no