When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.