A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.