5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS