someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.