I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!