1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
You Might Also Like
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
sleeping beauty
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
incredible
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.