I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.