[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats