First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born