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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.