Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
happy mother’s day❤️
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]