Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin