#NeverForget
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Doggies just call it style.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.